Steps Forward, Steps Back

I had such a horrible day yesterday, and all because of my attitude. I’m not sure why it happened, though I can speculate. Perhaps all the toxins I’m clearing out of my psyche caught up to me. A friend has a theory that anytime you try to get rid of an old pattern, the pattern (which is sort of an entity of its own) gets threatened and starts to fight back. Or maybe it was just a fluke.

Anyway, I felt fine when I woke up. But the non-arrival of some money my family expected threw me into a teary panic. I started trying to figure out how to manage to pay for the things I need to accomplish this week, which happens to be my daughter’s birthday week, and deciding what could wait until later. My “solutions” were fear-based and really not that great.

At our homeschool classes in the afternoon, the girls weren’t in the mood to participate. Especially my own kid, who was uncharacteristically stressed out. Go figure – kids often reflect the moods and energies of their parents. I ended up with a headache.

Later in the evening, there was a lot of arguing and bickering in the family. I much prefer harmony, and being in a fragile mood already, this squabbling was magnified in my mind to epic proportions. “Why aren’t we happy? Am I offering the kids an abusive childhood? Should I have even had kids?” You can see how it went. Yuck.

I ended up going to bed with a book and hibernating. After a good night’s sleep and lots of odd dreams, I woke up feeling much better. And I apologized for being so out of whack.

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse, along with the other spiritual work I’ve been doing, is a big deal for me. It can take a lot of energy to change old habits and ways of thinking. Instead of seeing a difficult day as evidence of failure, I think it’s OK to fall back into the morass now and then. I’ve learned that really, truly, that’s not how I want to live. Today I’m taking inspired actions and focusing on all the things that are positive in my life. I’m stepping forward again.

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