I’m having a hard time getting back into some of my usual creative outlets, like blogging, since my friend passed away. It’s odd how grief shows up in different ways for each person. The other thing that’s dropped away is my usual talent for planning and scheduling – which may be a good thing, though somehow I’m still in the midst of ineptly trying to plan two gatherings.
My emotions are up and down. Being around lots of people is hard. Some days I just want to stay in bed, while other times yoga is what calls to me. I guess that’s one area that’s going well. I have an off and on relationship with my yoga practice, and after a long dry spell, I’m back to the yoga mat.
Through this whole journey I’ve been able to do my music, my drumming, even though writing has been a challenge. Dark Follies had a big show this past weekend, and getting ready for it really fed my creative side. It also gave me something proactive to focus on.
I feel like both of the shows went really well, and the audiences we had seemed to enjoy them. But I guess, like some of my fellow troupe members, I’m experiencing some post-performance letdown.
In the early morning hours, I found myself awake and fretting about some of the things said to me at the cast party. Like how far we still have to go, as a band, all the finesse and polish we lack if we’re really going to take this thing to a new level, etc. And there was some personal stuff, too, like a friend’s off-the-cuff comment that I seem to live in a bubble and not be in touch with “the real world,” whatever that means. I think cancer and death are pretty damn real, and I’m tired of being judged for not ranting about politics. But now I’m ranting about rants…not helpful.
The point of this post, if it does still have one, is simple. As I lay awake worrying about my musical inadequacies and others’ perceptions of my unusual attitude toward life, the solution came to me. Stop spending so much energy on this external stuff, and go within.
What are my thoughts and feelings about my creative pursuits and way of living? What do I need to help me heal? Can I allow myself the time to grieve without expecting that I should be doing all the things I normally take for granted?
I am the only one who can face what’s in front of me right now.
I can’t serve anyone if my heart is too broken.
Go within, Starcat. It’s alright.