I see that I haven’t written here for quite some time. The past two weeks have been rather intense. A good friend of mine, the same age as me, has terminal cancer, which she’s been living with for over a year. She just went into hospice care on September 6th. As well as being a friend, I am also working with her as a priestess and Reiki practitioner.
Despite the fact that I knew this was coming, it felt like a ton of bricks landed on me.
I’m full of emotions that I want to express but I fear I can’t do them justice with words. My experience since I last wrote has been full of tears, sorrow, laughter, community, hand-holding (literal and figurative), music, anguish, joy, mystery, gratitude, pain, and empowerment. I have been overwhelmed by sadness and filled with Divine connection, sometimes at the same time.
Usually I’m the family organizer – keeping the schedule, organizing the meals, making sure the basic tasks of daily life are accomplished. These days, I’m extra forgetful, my to-do list is mostly neglected, and I can’t even seem to pull together a short grocery list. As a dear friend wisely said, “you’re not in that world right now, and you don’t need to be.” Schedules and plans don’t make sense, but music is a saving grace, and nature is breathtakingly beautiful. I’m thankful for each day, and my gratitude journal is filling up quickly. My dreamscape is very active.
I’ve been drumming a lot, playing for my dying friend (at her request) as well as getting ready for a big Dark Follies show in October. Being part of creating some new music for the show has been feeding my creativity. My journal-writing has been sporadic, and I haven’t worked on my other writing projects at all. I miss my regular writing work, and my daily dancing. But as Quester pointed out, I’m of necessity being very creative in my approach to my priestess work.
Everything is a learning experience. Being close to the mystery that is death is humbling and profound. Holding space for my friend is an honor and is placing me firmly in the present moment, over and over. I’m following my intuition, connecting strongly with the Divine, and crying when I need to. I’m nourished by the love of family and friends, lunar magick, polarity therapy, sleep, purring cats (Percy in particular has been snuggling me a lot), rocks & crystals, and the occasional chocolate dessert.
I know I’m right where I’m supposed to be, even when it hurts.