In the process of writing the preface for my book (yeah, it’s Starcat’s Corner: Essays on Pagan Living, hope you’re not sick of hearing about it yet! hee hee), I was looking back over my journal from 2005, getting back in the mindset of my adventure at Vermont Witch Camp, which was when the book was first inspired. I decided to go back and read that entire journal, as it seemed to have been a time of great transformation and inspiration for me. I feel like I’m on the cusp of that type of radical positive change once again. I’m wrapped in my chrysalis, sometimes doubting I’ll ever truly be a butterfly, but still catching dream glimpses of flight and deep blue skies.
So, this particular passage seemed especially relevant, and I thought I’d share it here. I even looked up the Rob Brezsny horoscope that I reference in the journal entry (thank you Rob for your awesome archives!).
Virgo, 10/6/05, by Rob Brezsny:
In his “MuseLetter,” Richard Heinberg writes that Jesus “taught renunciation of ephemeral desires, fearless and carefree public behavior, and contempt for riches.” This happens to be a precise prescription for those of you who hope to put yourself in maximum alignment with cosmic rhythms in the coming week. I suggest you suspend your pursuit of the relatively trivial goals that soak up an inordinate amount of your attention, and instead intensify your devotion to your single most important reason for living. This should help you lose your unnecessary inhibitions. It should also free you from any delusions you might have that greed is normal or that you need more than enough of anything.
Journal entry, 10/6/05, by Starcat:
My Brezsny horoscope for this week tells me to let go of distractions and focus on the primary reason I’m here. To which I was like, what? I have to choose just one?! Five of them immediately came to mind: to give and receive love (not just among humans, but all beings), to project positive energy to help with the birthing of the new reality, healing/Reiki, writing, and music (dancing, singing, drumming). How do I focus in on “the” thing, then? Or maybe the primary thing is my attitude, the way I am in the world, my mindfulness practice. I tend to get distracted by connection points, by relationships with other people, especially new people. But I should just be myself and do my Work, and let the rest take care of itself as I go. Which is, I guess, what Brezsny was saying.
Last night I was dreaming that I was soon to die, and I knew it. I was doing fine with it until I met some new people, one of them who, I think it was a guy but he was very androgynous, turned me on. Then I was talking to my Mom in the dream, telling her it was so unfair that I was going to die, because I couldn’t make plans with this guy (and his friends) and get to know him/them. So even my dream was focused on that, on the balance between doing my Soul Work in the time I have, and being in relationship with others. The Work I’m called to do has elements of both, which is good, because I believe in “moderation in all things.”
The things that stuck out from the entry were that the very things I listed as my “primary reasons” are now what I do much of the time! Writing, music (drumming in particular), and Reiki are a big part of my life, and the work I do for Feline Dreamers is all about helping bring the new consciousness to fruition. It feels good to see how I’ve been able to manifest my calling on so many levels. Sometimes it still feels like I’m only beginning. The other thing that I noticed is that I still feel this tension between relationships and inner creative work. It’s one of the things I’m really working on intently lately.
I’m thankful that I keep these records of and for myself. I would never remember all this stuff otherwise. And I’m also grateful for the inspiration to do a bit of “journal mining,” which comes from an excellent book I read recently, Harvesting Your Journals: Writing Tools to Enhance Your Growth & Creativity by Alison Strickland and Rosalie Deer Heart. Blessings!